Discussion in 'Random & Surreal' started by Ugly Boy, Jun 6, 2016.
This place is a bit trippy.
A good place to tell a few stories, and well make some stuff up.
Little stuff here and a lil stuff there heh heh busters!
you know this is all going to be all about me.
so I was lying in bed the other day thinking to myself
how did it get to this
here I am, a boy of some age still yearning to be tucked in at night
The problem I have is there is nobody.
no one seems to want to come near my fucking condition
hang on a minute while i scratch my balls heh heh
so this is what I decided to do
I got up and went over to the bedroom window and decided to see if i can get a passing pedestrian to look up at me standing there
naturally I focused on a bird with quite a nice ass and one of those 1950s la dolce vita walks
I am looking at her thinking ‘look at me look at me’
nothing happened. it was as if she did not even know of my existence
So, i picked up the nearest object, which in this case happened to be pair of underpants rolling them into a ball and flung them at her as hard as I could
she carried on walking and never looked up.
The next thing I know an old man walked by, stopped, picked them up and put them in his coat pocket
i swear just as he was disapearing around the corner, he turned and looked me straight in the eye
I swear to you I have never seen such dead eyes in my life before - it stopped me in my tracks.
anyway it was just one of those ‘lose your knickers’ days.
Look what i have for you:
THIS PLACE IS NOT A BIT TRIPPY.
Amanzia The Music-Director
So, I was in the tub room, right. There’s usually some privacy to be found there after my thermodynamics lecture.
Yes, just minding my own business, practising my power walk, being careful not to bash in to the cupboards or slip on the wet tiles. Heal Toe, Heal Toe. Chest proud.
I remember seeing Johny pinned against the locker by Ellie, she was covering his mouth with her hand so that he couldn’t bleat. His face was a picture. Ellie was quite serious.
Hilarious, but I decided to walk home and practice out in the open air where no one would be any the wiser. Either that or they would stare at me and think I was practicing for the Olympics or something.
I looked very cool, even if I say so myself.
Would you Adam and Eve it! As I strutted by UBoy’s house my peripherals noted that he was up to a variation of his usual tricks. He likes to draw attention to himself that one.
I like him a lot
..but it’s fun to string him out a bit longer.
Sure, there was the tied-up teddy bear dangling by its neck from the stone window sill - but that didn’t faze me.
I had to draw the line at those disgusting underpants though. You deserve a slap, mummy’s boy.
What type of girl does he think I am!
I swaggered onward leaving the festering under-garment for the leper to find.
Funny old world, innit.
Tomorrow, I’ll wear a scarf - just to change things up a bit.
So, i said to myself it wasn't going the way i thought it would.
I like being invited out to dinner but I don't like the chat if you know what I mean.
No-one likes my music, naturally, and I never like their pitiful taste in films.
So when he asked me if I had any hidden talents I really wasn't enjoying the tedium of his
get-to-know-you-fuck-you talk and decided to blow him off with a dose of maniac.
I sat back in my chair, licked the tip of my middle finger and said
'I can make every person in this dire place shiver’
The wine-glass still had some dull musty red in it.
It is known that no finger in the world is the same. The law fuckers use that don't they?
just so happens that the ridges in the print on my right middle finger are just so
that when dragged around the rim of a glass it provokes an outbreak of mass shivering.
he leaned in, watching my hand but i couldn’t be bothered. why show boat heh heh
Today i decided to go and see somebody who can dip my future in some pudding.
i got a tip from madman Trix, that’s his handle ya know. he sent me down a back alley about five blocks from where i sass - easy peasy.
The door had a sign on it “Are you sure?”
I liked the mockery heh heh
The hallway leading down to the flat was painted gray like a hospital but it didn’t smell of death.
Trix said the thing to do is to knock in a code that by the time i got there i forgot. So i kicked the door twice with my boot rapidly and waited. But when the door opened i didn’t see anybody until i felt a whistle at my crotch.
My expectation was a madam Electra or similar, instead its a fucking kid. Where he popped out from is still a mystery.
so i say to him: ‘where is the fortune teller?’
have you ever seen a kid frown in a way that makes you feel like an idiot. He was the last thing i expected.
“Well are you gonna come in or just stand there” he said.
I didn’t stay very long and dropped some serious coin for ten minutes of chaffing.
Fucking hell, what he told me jarred me.
A fancy day is what it felt like, it did. So I strapped on one of my vintage suits with a snap! circa 30s you can wear with some style and chose from my selection of 50 pairs of gloves - all black. I wouldn’t be caught fuckin’ dead in any other colour
why so fancy, well, there is this restaurant I gift my face to. Yeah, a sort of prick-in-a-hole kind of joint without prices on the menu where they try to figure out my next move so as not to make anyone else in the room a bit uneasy - what with eating with my black gloves on and all.
So I enter, sit at my usual table with the eyes of the room sternly propping up my sails if you know what i mean - funny fuckers!
aaand here comes a cake, single candle and three waiters accompanying it as if it was a cherished fucking treasure.
“It is an ancient recipe of a renaissance dessert made with crème chantilly and bitter almonds, enjoy” as he sets it down gingerly in front of me like a lacey lass.
so i sat there wiv the cake, staring it down as if time stood still, until the candle was nearly smothered by the spongy mess - only to have one of the galloping ponies skittle over:
“was it not to your taste Sir…”
I can feel the black gloves tighten around my knuckles at this point.
“Quite the contrary, but you see, my birthday is not until tomorrow. Its now 10:37 pm and i am extremely superstitious - pretend I have accepted.”
Sliding my hands into their soft skin, allows me to breathe easier somehow.
Nobody knew for real - whether UBoy was really a boy or a girl or even an ‘it’. Let’s stick with IT for now, as I am really confused and things keep getting more and more opaque the deeper I go.
In many ways it didn’t matter. I mean, socio-sexually speaking I was ambivalent, though reproductively speaking that might make things a bit of a cul-de-sac down the line, if you know what I’m saying.
What really bugged me was the conversation we had together, years ago, at school, when we were still talking.
We’d both just come out of class.. out of a Pseudo Science double after lunch (they used to call it ‘Religious Education’ but the curriculum writers are sooooo PC lately). Anyway, God is usually on my side and we each have our own objective reality, right?.
UBoy was just standing there, eating chocolate again, and between mouthfuls it had told me, rather energetically, that there was no such thing as hope.. only despair!
Just like that, completely out of the blue. I really was distracted by that outburst because there I was, minding my own business, just thinking about the good looking one with the tight pants who sits up front in Thermodynamic class. (metaphorically if not necessarily corporeally).
I like to think of myself as an optimist and I recall saying something about “hope springs eternal” because I’d read it somewhere and felt all clever and intellectual saying it - even though I had no idea what it meant (and still don’t because Google is playing up today).
I got slapped down for that - hard, right across the face..
I still remember what it said to me too, I don’t need to paraphrase. It said:
“I don’t see the nobility in hope - the depressing inevitability, the pointlessness, the day-to-day crushing jackboot of history laughing in the face of vanity and hope. Nah, not me mate!”
Well, come on.. what do you say to that?
So, I left it and it’s troubled me ever since.. UBoy is an intrigue for sure, so I have kind of stalked it for quite a long time now.
Getting that job, masquerading as a waiter wasn’t easy, but I determined that tight undergarments, a pale face make-over and a Hitler moustache would fool most and hide my magnificent femininity.
I even went to the cosmetics counter in Boots to find the grooviest ‘face grease’ or whatever they call it. I was eventually persuaded by the loud marketing material to plump for..
‘KINDER FACE MARMALADE’ from L’Oreal’
“Because you need it” said the technicolor poster.
SO, cometh the night, there it was with its la-de-da gloves on, rather fetching (if a little affected).. predictably all in black, totally oblivious. Sure, I felt a slight ‘stirring’ but I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me now.
(yes, we have to be alert to every possibility, dear reader)
When it came to cake time I had to think fast on my feet..
It was only a challenge because I had to squirt the err 'almond essence' into the cake when no one was looking.
I approached from behind and spun up some barely credible yarn about “ancient recipes” “renaissance dessert” blah blah crème and bitter almonds and other such fluff. I think I got away with it!
(OH MY GOODNESS I hope it didn’t notice I’d left my walking boots on - you know, Forest Gump is my absolute hero - he just kept on keeping on until one day he had to stop running due to boredom - I so hope that doesn’t happen on my shift)
It just sat there, like the depressing, mercurial character it is - watching the flame of life die on the candle of sadness, melting into the cake of unspeakable misery.
The best part was watching it trying to get itself from the dining room of uncertainty, though the exit door of unknowing and into the street of tremulous ambiguity and the post apocalyptic wilderness beyond.
Ha ha ha ha haha.
OK, not quite as planned but worth it just to watch those knuckles bulge.
Yes, it was right all along - there’s no fucking hope at all.
I'm already dead...
Na Na NaOOO
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